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Archive for March, 2015

One thing I have noticed with finally discovering a positive self-esteem is that my tolerance for BS is much lower than it used to be. I’ve had a few relationships that I have moved on from in the past year or so. There are four to be exact. One person suggested that this handful of “failed relationships” is because there is something inherently wrong with me. Although she meant it to be snarky she is correct in that there was something wrong with me…

You see, for years I settled for less than I deserve because, I suppose, at the time I felt it was all I did deserve. I’d overlook hurtful things for the sake of not rocking the boat. I’d pretend that digs and rude comments didn’t bother me. I’d hide my opinion for fear of being judged. If you told me the sky was yellow and I knew it was blue I would agree just so that I wouldn’t risk losing a friend. And… I hated myself for it. I would hide from being myself and it was stressful. On top of that I would give and give to the point where I’d wonder if I was being used and often times that was the case.

As I started to feel worthy of love and true friendship I embraced the fact that we’d be pretty boring if we all thought the same way. I started to share my feelings, opinions and ideas. Some friends were on board but there was that small handful who, for whatever reason, felt that I had changed and not for the better. The fact that I suddenly had my own voice was too much for some, I suppose. Sadly, those were also the people in my life who I would drop everything for when they needed me, yet when tables were turned they were suddenly distant.

This started to become evident when my Mom passed away at the very beginning of 2013. Oddly enough it was also after I’d been running for about a year. Running was one of the things that really brought me out of my shell and taught me about how I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. Last March, when I was in the hospital dealing with my heart issues, I started to be aware that a few of the people I had considered close “friends” weren’t really people I should have in my life. There is a saying about not crossing oceans for people that wouldn’t jump a puddle for you. This was certainly the case and I was enlightened.

I also saw who really valued my friendship and lent support throughout the anxious months that followed. I had a very rough year that took its toll. It was quite the eye-opener and by the end of August I realized who had my back and who was apt to twist a knife in it. I decided that if being friends didn’t bring value to my life and constantly left me feeling negative then that wasn’t a relationship I wanted to continue. I faced the fact that if I had to think twice about answering the phone or visiting because the conversation would be draining or drama ridden then it was time to unsubscribe myself from that. After all, it isn’t fair to either party.

It’s amazing what has come from this change. I’ve strengthened relationships with people that treat me with mutual respect. I’ve learned that I want to surround myself with the type of friend where if we disagree with one another that we can at least understand the other point of view. After all, that is the way it should be. I should never have to walk on eggshells because I have different perspective.

I’ve always said that there are times where you have to treat your circle of support like a garden. If you pull the weeds then you make room for the flowers… and that is exactly what I did. .

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I’ve been away from the blog for a while as you’ve likely noticed and for good reason. I’ve been happily busying myself with other projects.

I’m still working on that third book but it will go into the publisher before the end of April. I’m excited to be nearing the finish line with the book and moving onto the next book project. I have two different books in mind so when this current manuscript goes to print I’ll need to narrow down which proposal to submit first.

Bryan has been travelling a great deal for work which is nothing new. The abundance of travel leaves me handling most of the household and school related parent responsibilities. Most of what I do is the same from week to week… making lunches, cooking dinners, walking my wee one to school, laundry, dishes, housework and such.

There were a few other things too.

I had the two wisdom teeth on the left side removed. Ouch. Things weren’t so bad until the freezing came out. I took it easy for a week and immersed myself in starting to read the Outlander series. I missed the gym and running but sometimes a rest is good for the body and the mind.

A few weeks ago Brantford saw record breaking low temperatures which resulted in a drain freezing as well as a big mess in the basement of our 1870’s home. Last week there was yet another substantial puddle which turned out to be a washer hose. Then, because Mom always said things happen in threes, there was one more bit of mysterious water on the basement floor. After days of trial and error we realized that the gasket in the drain of the soaker tub needs replaced. Home ownership is always an adventure especially when it is a Victorian gem.

I’ve been preoccupied with another hobby. Knitting. Friends who’ve known me since my school days know how I loathed knitting. In fact, I coerced my mother into doing my knitting project for my Grade 8 Family Studies class. Funny that knitting was right up there with running… things you would never catch me doing. Truth be known, I’m enjoying it immensely, so much so that I’ve even collected a stash of gorgeous yarns and queued dozens of projects on a web resource named Ravelry. So far I’ve made scarves for the kids and cowls for a few of my friends. A couple weeks ago I found out that a dear friend is expecting so I’m also knitting a baby blanket or three. I’m almost halfway through the first pattern. Next up… a poncho for my little girl, some yoga socks, a lace shawl for a very special woman, and more baby things.

Other than that, I’ve been procrastibaking. This is the act of baking when you really should be doing something more constructive. I could blame my pregnant friend who has cravings for baked goods, or I could blame the chilly clime and below seasonal deep freeze, but the truth is simply that I wanted to avoid folding another basket of laundry. The kids and Bryan have been really enjoying my being in this domestic diva sort of mood.

What else? Ah yes, I’ve been trying to cut back on coffee and with that in mind drinking lovely teas from a local tea shop called Sandalwood Teas. Right now I can’t decide which I like better… Lemon Cream or Hibiscus.

So that’s the update. Tomorrow I’ll post something related to my journey—a bit about why I started re-evaluating relationships.

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